What Quarantine has Taught me About my Kid and Being a Stay-at-Home Mom
“It’s not his actions that determine how our day will play out, it’s my reactions.”
**This post was originally written in June 2020**
Outside of Bill Gates, circa 2015, no one saw this coming. None of us sat around with our girlfriends over happy hour discussing how they have prepared themselves to be socially isolated, scared for loved ones, and readying themselves for birth during a world-wide pandemic. The subject just never came up, it was not something that we ever thought we would live through. Cholera, the Black Plague, the smallpox/measles/yellow fever/etc. epidemic that hit the indigenous people of North America… we learned about all of these events in school, but never once thought how a similar event would impact our lives. Even if we learned how the people at the time dealt with it, it surely was not the same as what has been recommended to us while trying to survive the Covid-19 pandemic.
We’ve been asked to stay home, to avoid our family and friends, to guide our children through the remainder of their school year, to stop attending church, and perhaps worst of all: avoid roaming the aisles of Target (I kid). My family and I have been following these protocols since the middle of March, and we are all approaching the end of our rope – mental health-wise. Some of us are doing this alone, some with six children at home, and others somewhere in between, or on the outskirts of “normal”. My husband and I are doing it with a three-year-old and a gestating 7 month-old while settling into a new house in a new state. We haven’t had the opportunity to meet our neighbors, or to build community, or to try out local restaurants.
It’s a good day when he wants to hold my hand
While that’s definitely not ideal, we’ve had the chance to bond and grow closer together. I haven’t been a stay-at-home mom since Everett was six months old, and my husband hasn’t been home with us “full-time” since he was two weeks old, so this time that we’ve been given has been precious (and difficult, and tiresome, and challenging and taxing in every possible way) and is something that I assume we will look back on fondly. Not only have the three of us grown closer, but we’ve taken this time to prepare our son for his new role as “big brother”, while also making sure that we’re using these last few months intentionally, as they will be his last as an only child.
Quarantine play-doh dates with mom can only save our sanity so much
My husband and I recently made the decision to move from southern California, to Colorado. In doing so, he has shifted from working in an office (with a three hour round-trip commute) to working at home, I shifted from working full-time in an office to being a stay-at-home mom again for the first time in three years, and Everett shifted from full time daycare/pre-school to being home all day, every day. When we made this decision, a pandemic was completely outside of the realm of possibility for us. We didn’t realize that the schedule and the activities and the community that I had built up in my head wouldn’t exist. I had no clue that Evy and I wouldn’t be hitting up the library or the park or the rec center or my aunt’s house every day. Instead, we’re watching Frozen II 19 times a week, walking around our neighborhood, playing with play-doh at the kitchen table, and learning how to write our letters in Highlighter workbooks. While these aren’t bad things to do, I figured they would be more supplemental activities and not the basis of our entertainment.
Sidewalk chalk mornings are more fun with friends - but responsibility of social distancing made it a solo activity
All this to say, quarantine has been difficult, but it’s also been a valuable learning process. I’ve listed out my major takeaways, and all the things that have prepared me to be a non-pandemic stay-at-home mom (whenever that will be):
My son is social! I never realized how social he actually is until we’ve been locked in our house for 7 weeks. He is constantly asking to play with his friends, and to go to restaurants, and stopping in our neighbor’s driveways every time he gets a peak at another human. This information will be vital in how I schedule our days in the future. I will remember that soccer in the backyard isn’t enough, he needs the comradery of a team. I will remember that pre-school isn’t just about kindergarten prep, but also socializing and building people skills. I will remember that park dates with mom may not be enough and should be turned into play dates with (future) friends who have kids of similar ages.
My son’s fits, tantrums, and bad moods are not always because he is being bratty. It’s not always because I said no to Frozen II for the 20th time this week or denied him a snack as his uneaten lunch sits on the table, it’s most likely because he is overwhelmed and struggling with quarantine, just like the rest of us. I am hard on my kid. It has always been important to me that he is well-behaved and demonstrates good manners and expresses his feelings with his words, but in these new, weird pandemic times, I’m cutting him some slack. He’s struggling, sometimes it’s obvious, and other times it’s not – but it’s still happening. A three year old’s mental health is just as important as mine and my husband’s, and this may be the first time that I’m actually fully realizing this.
My son’s independent play skills have left something to be desired. The kid is lovely, but man, he just doesn’t know how to play by himself. While this hasn’t necessarily been a huge issue, it will be when baby girl gets here. I’ve started to intentionally tell him that I can’t play with him at the moment because I’m working, or cleaning the kitchen, or making dinner, or even taking 5 minutes for myself. I never flat out say no, but I will say not for 5/10/30 minutes, depending on what I’m doing. I’m hoping that this prepares him for nursing sessions and dirty diapers.
There is a place for unstructured play, but honestly, my kid doesn’t necessarily get that much out of those times. He’s not really into being thrown into the backyard and left to his own devices. This kid needs direction and guidelines. He can have his water table, playset, tool bench, cars and soccer ball outside and he will walk up to me and tell me that he doesn’t know what to do. He really needs me to say we have a choice of X,Y & Z, what would you like to play with for 30 minutes before lunch.
I’m a firm believer in screen time rules, but sometimes life throws you off a bit (think a global pandemic or a baby sister) and you just have to roll with the punches. Do I love that my kid watches TV during the week right now? Hell no, but it’s allowing us to survive this time.
Even when I think my kid is completely, utterly, 100% sick of me, he still needs me. There will be times when he is being such a pill, and it is only directed at me (not his dad) and I will literally think that I’ve finally did, I pushed him away and he wants nothing to do with me, only to be surprised 10 minutes later when he is crawling into my lap, cuddling and telling me he loves me.
I’ve learned that the amount of grace and patience I extend toward my kid dictates the kind of day we’re going to have. If I can take a step back, accept that Evy is three and cut him a little bit of a break, our day is going to be much easier, lighter, and more enjoyable. If I’m short with him, allow his frustrations to become my frustrations, expect him to act like a six-year-old, our day is going to be difficult and very long. It’s not his actions that determine how our day will play out, it’s my reactions.
Deciding to have another kid has become completely validated in my mind. Because Everett is so social, and because he’s is not a huge independent player, I really believe that giving him a sibling will be the biggest gift.
So, yeah, the pandemic has been hard on us, but I am extremely grateful for the lessons I’ve learned and the quality time I’ve had with my family.